Leaving for Austin. [30 Jan 2004|04:04pm] Leaving for greener pasteurs. Literally. I'm so absolutely tired of trying to maintain creativity in a place like this.. without trees or water or green places or neighborhood pubs or history or honest architecture or taste that isn't manufactured. Perhaps Austin will be my home for a long time, I don't know. I feel great about it, and it's not because of the work I'll be dong - which is great, don't get me wrong. But this move is as much for my life as it is for my work. And the wonderful girl is going with me, for all the right reasons. Yum. Feels good to be on my way to an interesting time. After 3 years and 3 months, almost exactly, I am leaving. Almost like a tour of duty in the game-developer military. Do they have a GI bill for that? Maybe just a GI infection?? I did a LOT of work here. Amazing improvement in that work over just the time I've been here too.. There must be people who work this much in other industries, at least in some start-up companies, I'm sure. But this has been a hell of a trip. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work like that again, for so long, for so little in return. I'm older now, maybe wiser. But it was GREAT to be there from start to finish. To dedicate myself to the whole thing, and then follow through all the ups and downs and celebrations and tantrums and frustrating crash-and-burns. We'll still all be working together, under the auspices of a large company. and there was always plenty of room to improve on how we were doing things, by necessity. But it will be different, I'm sure. Better. Though, I hope we don't turn into old-fart veterans talking about "old times" in "the war" or something. Hmmn. maybe I should post in this journal more often? 3 comments|post comment

Don't know whatcha got, til it's gone. [08 Jul 2003|02:37am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | tapping my foot and humming. ] I miss Halcyone. Only been a few days, and I miss her terribly. She'll be back soon, and I know this in my head, but the rest of me keeps referring to the fact that she's not here, not now. She's in Boston, where she tells me over a crackling phone line of rocks and shorelines, and family joys and sorrows, and huge screenings of mediocre movies, where we could smooch and make silly comments on the quality of the CG characters. There's a certain joy in realizing this though. I haven't let myself feel so good about a relationship in a long time. It's good to miss her. To want to be near her, even if impossible at the moment. I don't feel incomplete without her, but I do feel like I was better when she was here. I think about what it might be like when she meets my family. What they may see in her, or she in them. She could find out more of how I am who I am, where I came from. My X-men origin story. My father's charming joy. My mother's caring intelligence. My brother's willful determination. These things can't really be described, only experienced in all their frustrating and momentary glory, and expecially in the company of the kidlets.. Wow, I love her. Good good goood good. Tasty. Like buttah. post comment

Philosophical wandering [07 May 2003|08:37am] A few thoughts, transplanted from a thoughts started on the VOICE forums. It was supposed to be a response, but it became a bit too personal, and so it resides here now: It's certain that we, as individuals and as societies, may progress from one type of moral distinction to another, but has there ever been an objective "progress," as in movement toward a predetermined goal? Even toward a particular direction? If so, what is that goal or direction, and how is it universal? Perhaps that is what the theist receives from faith, in its own form: A functional answer to what some would say is a fundamental question, even if it is an untestable one: "Why are we here?" .. and the theist says, "To perform God's will." Of course, this is a shorthand response which could mean many things to many different people, but I'm assuming for the moment that many theists will accept it as a good description. I personally don't understand that there is, or needs to be, a discernable function or purpose to life or the universe. I experience things fully and richly, I love life and the universe, and I try to behave in a way which benefits others as well as myself.. I will question everything, and enjoy the procession of infinite questions that result from the answers. This may not be how others should live, and I can't say it's a universal purpose, but it works beautifully for me. Q:Why are you here in this universe? A:I dunno... Say, you wanna go enjoy the universe, and we'll make it up as we go along? This is the same as with evolution, and the analogy works wonderfully here. Though we may be fond of saying that humans are "farther along the evolutionary chain," than other animals, this is misleading in that it assumes a linearity which does not exist, so far as a scientific understanding of the principles of biological evolution is concerned. There is a fossil history, but it is a history of starts, stops, recurrences, and retraced dead-ends which does not follow a predetermined direction or path. There is no guiding intelligence here, at least not in the guise of a theistic God. There is only a set of interlocked, self-referential, self-organizing rules which are influenced by the same evolutionary processes as the entire system. This is reminiscent of a mind's functioning in and of itself! So, the universe as a whole may be an intelligence, and perhaps the living things within it are all functionary parts of it, contributing to its understanding. And if this works on the macro scale, should it not work on the micro? Should we ask the electrons within our brain synapses to worship us, or we will smite them? Each time we drink alcohol, are we casting fire and brimstone down upon the heathen neurons for their unruly behavior?? Everything is composed of, and comprises, the systems of everything else, on as many scales as you can think of. I think. post comment

Long time, no entry. [29 Apr 2003|02:24am] There is an amazing thing going on in my life. I am more at peace with who I am than I ever have been. Even with all of the stress of work, the conflicts of interest within that work, and the external conflicts among those I care for, I feel really good about this whole general mish-mash. I will confess that there are times when my feelings rise to the surface - and I do broadcast my emotional state like a giant bright plasma-screen TV - but those times are more often about loving now, and less about frustrating circumstances. These days I'm usually able to solve problems and deal with conflict if I can, instead of becoming angry at myself or others. Seems to me this is what being human is all about. Well, that and maybe a beer or two. Beer - Gooood. Useless Conflict - Baaaad. A long time ago, perhaps when I was 10 or 11, I began to define a purpose for my life, and that is to know and experience everything, so that I could love everything. I'm still not exactly sure what love is, but I know it's not only an emotion. It involves the act, the skill, the effort, of working toward the well-being of something beyond yourself - possibly everything including yourself. Though I didn't know it as a young boy, with more idealistic fervor than realistic expectation behind it, I was starting myself on a really good path. It's a shame that such a wonderful and elegant concept as love can be so often misused, misinterpreted, and perverted in the general language and experience of so many. Even as I write this, I have to remind myself to use the specific language of "love" in the general sense, as opposed to romantic emotions alone, or lustful intentions, or any of the narrower, single-dimensional versions of what we mean when we think of love. I'm thinking of the "Golden Rule Combo," extra-large, with a side plate of fries and a frosty beverage. Do unto everything, as you would have everything do unto you. Our culture and society seems to be bracing itself against the fear of love because it sees the process of love as a risk, as a gamble, where only the few shall receive the big payoff. Maybe, that comes from living in an overtly capitalist society where we are thoroughly educated to see all choices as cost/benefit analyses. Our relationships, and even our abilities to care for others have become commodities now, to be hoarded like precious stones, gathering apparent value because of their scarcity in the marketplace. Those who win in love are those who risk the least and rake in the most loot?? I can't really agree. Many of the choices I have made in this life have been guided by this burgeoning idea I had when I was young: The line of personal identity we place between ourselves and the rest of the universe is only as real as the border of a country, the bank of a river, or the difference between colors in a spectrum. All of the bits of everything and everyone are connected, in an infinite number of ways, and so to know and love the rest of the universe is the most interesting and complete way to know and love yourself. Love is not dependence, or weakness, or addiction, or emotion, or an act of the body or mind alone. It's a lifestyle. 2 comments|post comment

Ready for the trip home. [22 Dec 2002|03:47am] I've been working and working and working for the last 5 months, and even though it is good work which could lead to creating something worthwhile, it is exhausting, and I miss my family. Especially the little ones. My niece and nephew, Noel and Beau, are just now getting to the age where they are fascinated with EVERYTHING around them, and I really want to be a part of that. I try to recapture a similar feeling of wonder whenever I can - the first time investigation, the need to explore and explain and try things out because you don't know exactly what will happen. There was a long time in my life - and I thank my parents immensely for this - when all I had to do was explore and create and think and feel for myself. No responsibility beyond the occasional required bath, or eating a vegetable or two. I hope to be able to give my own children that same chance some day. the chance to be children for as long as possible, and to learn how to incorporate the important part of that into their adult lives. My niece and nephew are very smart, very sure of themselves, and always pushing their limits. This may be frustrating to my brother and his wife, but it is the best possible thing for them to be right now. They will grow up to be great people. Monday, I will be returning to New Orleans to play with my niece and nephew for a solid ten days. It's a good thing I've been carbo-loading lately. Now I will go for a late night pasta snack, and then sleep. Tomorrow will not be kick started by the alarm clock, so I get to read more of Neal Stephenson's _Cryptonomicon_, which is turning out to be a tremendously well-thought out book.. 1 comment|post comment

Starting out [11 Dec 2002|07:13pm] Just entering my first line or two for this journal. I have never tried to keep a journal before, except for my requisite sketchbook, so this should hopefully open my horizons a bit. As of now, I am sitting in my chair at the office, not working at all. After our recent deadline push, everyone's a bit burned-out, so I think it may be this way until the bosses get back from Korea. Ahhh... the calm of no deadline tastes like sweet sweet victory. I also figured out how to use an anonymous uploading webpage to send my own images to my new fancy-schmancy cellphone. Got some good old computer artwork, as well as a couple of good images from the game. And in other news: wonderful grabbing rubbing porno shower stuff last night. And I wasn't even alone for it! It's good to be human. post comment

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